Why does my phone’s auto-correct function always assume I’m incapable of understanding contractions?
Auto-correct: I see you’ve used the word ‘shell’ in the sentence, “Are you a bitter shell of the person I used to know?” You clearly mean ‘she’ll’, as that makes far more sense contextually — and since your frequent use of the word ‘shitsnacks’ demonstrates you failed fourth grade and never advanced in your education. I’ll just correct that for you. Oh, and while I’m at it, I’ll change ‘bitter’ to ‘butter’.
Now isn’t that better?
Me: GOD DAMN SON OF A BITCH AUTO-CORRECT! SO HELP ME GOD, I’LL CUT YOU!