I love that I work in an office where a third of the employees spend their day catching Pokemon
I started my morning with a large cup of coffee and a hearty fuck you to my enemies.
It was a good day.
That moment when you realize you have no idea how cauliflower works.
*is completely alone*
*opens mini Babybel cheese*
*is immediately surrounded by dogs*
I sincerely hope my neighbors can’t hear me when I’m talking to my tomato plants. There’s no way I sound sane without understanding the context.
I hope my neighbors know that the revenge I have planned for my lost night of sleep will haunt them through this life and the next.
For the sake of a full night’s sleep, I am forgoing fireworks and instead enjoying a refreshing Bomb Pop and an early bedtime.
Happy Independence Day!
Earwigs are the spawn of satan and I won’t rest until I’ve exorcised them from my tomato plants.
“You know, you really got this makeup thing down.” — Dad
Apparently I still haven’t learned that CHILI DOGS ARE NEVER A GOOD IDEA!
90% of my life is spent trying to get my dogs to move out of the way.
Excuse me while I go sleep in my air conditioned car.
I feel like I spend most of my life waiting for the next season of Game of Thrones.
There aren’t enough words in the English language to accurately describe my love for Iron Man.
I can’t stop thinking about that pill I inhaled.
My lungs will never be the same again.
Pro tip: Don’t inhale pills. They weren’t meant to go into your lungs.
Today I got to deal with one of dog ownership’s greatest joys: poop on a rope.
I’m just going to go ahead and apologize now for the salty bitch I’m about to morph into. Summer has arrived in Idaho, and I am not kind when I’m hot.
I think I discovered my superpower. I develop hives for no apparent reason!
I gifted my dad a bunch of condoms I got at Pride today because I knew I wouldn’t be using them anytime soon. He looked at me straight faced and said, “I’m too old to get pregnant.”
Apparently there are dad jokes appropriate for every possible interaction.
In the midst of game night, Kate passionately recited Maximus’s big reveal speech from Gladiator, word-for-word. I’ve never been more proud of someone than I was of her in that moment.
“My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the TRUE emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.”
When you only work four days a week, Thursday night means staying up late and watching back-to-back horror movies with your dogs.
Fat Dog drank all the vegetable oil from one of the earwig traps in the garden last night. She then proceeded to yak all over the office floor.
I can’t pretend that I’m not a little impressed.
If it was socially acceptable to spend all of my money on lipstick, I think I might actually do it. Lipstick and cheese.
I’ve discovered a foolproof method for avoiding tears when chopping onions.
Don’t have eyes.