Grey

The grey hairs in my bangs are so numerous that they’re  beginning to look like highlights. #iearnedthesemotherfuckers

Tired

I had to leave work today because I was literally too tired to function. My coworkers can party all night and roll into work like it’s nothing, but I miss a few hours of sleep and turn into a whining mess.

Is this what growing up feels like?

Tums

I think part of being an adult is carrying Tums with you wherever you go.

Work Email

Every time I answer work emails on a Saturday, I feel at least 65% more adultier.

Bills

I got up early today just to put my bills in the mail before work. They had stamps on them and everything. I’m definitely nailing this whole adult thing.

Mop

Adulthood is spending your last ten bucks on a mop to wash your walls.

Outback

I think one of the milestones of adulthood is having at least three friends who own a Subaru.

No More Tears

Today I threw up without crying afterwards. I think I’m getting the hang of being an adult!

Hand Soap

I don’t know why, but for some strange reason, buying hand soap makes me feel like a real adult.

Goat

All I’m saying is that if I don’t have a pet goat within the next year, I’m clearly failing at adulting.

Zesty

Adulthood is not being able to finish your lemon bar because it’s giving you heartburn.

Avocados

Today I bought three perfectly ripe avocados. It was like hitting the adulthood lottery.

Pain in the Neck

Went to sleep healthy, woke up with a soft tissue injury. Looks like I won the adulthood door prize.

Mixed Drinks

I find the best way to bask in my adulthood, while simultaneously feeling nostalgic for childhood, is to mix Kahlua into my chocolate milk.

Walls

Because I’m getting older, cleaning the walls means discovering muscles I didn’t know I had.

Ripe

Today as I stood in front of the produce section at the grocery store, I realized that in my 12 official years of adulting, I had failed to learn how to identify ripe tomatoes.

Petroleum Dreamscape

Last night I dreamt gas prices went down 20 cents. Why do I keep dreaming about gas prices? Is this what adulthood is?

Food Processor

Some people dream of traveling the world or becoming rich and famous.

I dream of owning a food processor.

Nightmare

Last night I had a nightmare that gas prices went up seven cents.

No More Tears

I think I will truly be able to consider myself an adult when I can vomit without crying afterward.

Cry-toons

I’m fully aware that the episode of Futurama featuring Fry’s dog Seymour makes me cry every time I watch it, yet I willingly watch it again and again.

What the hell, Lo? Why don’t you learn lessons?

Coffee

Sometimes all you really need is a good strong cup of coffee.

Followed by an antacid, cause your stomach just can’t handle things like it used to.

Stretch

This morning I stretched and jacked up one of my back muscles. All these years they’ve been saying stretching is good for your muscles. DIRTY LIES!

Suction

I think part of being an adult is realizing that all you really want to do with your next $300 is buy a decent vacuum.

An Equation

Prime Rib + Netflix + Puzzle = A Damn Fine Friday Night

Walk This Way

Another sign I’m getting old. When I get out of bed in the morning, I gimp around for about 30 minutes until I’m able to walk normally.

Sleep shouldn’t cripple me, god damn it!

Award

Today I won the “Link Builder of the Year” award at work.

I have definitely sold out to the man….and I like it.

Bed

When I was a child, spending an entire day in bed was tantamount to torture. Now I consider it a god damned luxury.

Reward System

I started today with an entire list of chores to do. I did half of them, considered it a success, and rewarded myself with booze.

I’m really nailing this whole “being an adult” thing.

Changing Tastes

Things I hated as a kid, but love as an adult:

• Socks
• Naps
• Sashimi
• Cough Syrup
• Pink Floyd

Things that still elude me:

• Bread Crust